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I mentioned here, a few months ago, that London-based installation firm Bollo Locks Security had taken to teaming children with its engineers in a bid to improve the speed and efficiency of programming modern technological security products.

I now hear whispers that several other firms plan to take this concept a step further, by employing children, youths, and even dwarves to test the workability of their security products and on-site installations.

The ambitious companies have been piloting various schemes that use the pint-sized faux-intruders as guinea pigs for the very latest in security technology.

Teenage louts in 'hoodies' – their term for the appalling long sleeved jumpers with a kind of cloth helmet attached – have been employed to assist with the correct positioning of CCTV cameras, in systems designed to catch these louts out. Invariably, the correct position for these cameras has been at a low level, looking almost directly upwards, as these young hooligans slouch around with their shoulders slumped, daring to look no one in the face for fear of being awestruck by their own inadequacy as human beings.

One firm has apparently set up a full-scale, working model domestic security set-up, and is using a troupe of security dwarves to test its full capabilities as a home fortress.

A friend of an insider said: "We initially began by using children we had headhunted from the Bollo Locks experimental technology programming programme. They proved effective, in as much as they responded well to the hidden sweets we'd placed in jewellery boxes, home safes etc as surrogate 'valuables' – but they seemed to lack a certain ruthlessness which experience sadly tells us is exhibited by the majority of home-invading criminals."

The solution? Dwarves.

"Our dwarves are not only a similar size to children, they exhibit a razor-cunning sadly missing in much of the youth of today," a security firm insider told a friend who told me over a few pints on a Sunday afternoon.

"Simply being minuscule in size does not mean the dwarf's brain is in any way inferior to that of a full-sized human being. So the combination of childish smallness along with the mental dexterity of an actual adult, means our security dwarf squad can not only test the effectiveness of the mounting heights of detectors, they can clamber onto each others' shoulders or convenient inanimate objects to steal or damage valuable items – something the small-minded kiddies often had trouble grasping. You don't get our dwarves pretending to be kung fu turtles or whatnot while they are on the job."

So there you have it. Security dwarves appear to be the future of development in this here industry of ours. If we can convince them to wear hoodies as well, they'd help to reduce the costs of this testing.

Expanding business

I spend a lot of time thinking about ways and means to earn more money. I know you probably do too, so don't lie to me. Just don't, ok?

After a couple of brushes with the law a few years back, I'm keen to stay on the legitimate side of the straight and narrow. So I wanted to say thanks to Monty for his kind offer of the pub DVD sales franchise opportunity, but I'm afraid that's just the kind of risk I'm not willing to take any more.

So what it really boils down to is the fact that I need to earn more moolah from my own business. I've toyed with the idea of just charging a hell of a lot more, and seeing if anyone notices, but I have a lot of eagle-eyed customers who insist on being informed about what I'm going to charge them before I start any work. Which is quite frustrating. I have considered pre-empting their requests and just starting work before they actually ask me to, but I've got a feeling the success rate for that particular plan probably won't be high enough for me to justify it.

The only option really left to me is to expand the range of services my business offers. There are an almost infinite number of options open to me in this regard. For instance, I could offer security installation as well as escort services. On the face of it, this seems like a sensible option; I am very attractive, and would obviously rake in the cash if this additional service were to be offered. But the drawback is that the great majority of my security clients are not as aesthetically pleasing as I would wish, which could prove a hindrance to performance. That means I'd either have to seek out a new client base for the escort side of things, and try to persuade them to include some security installation work as part of my services, or to abandon the plan altogether. In the end, the thinking began to hurt my head, so I abandoned the escort idea.

The value-added service that I ended up going with was an ingenious one, if I do say so myself. I'm now happy to offer my services as a security installation engineer and freelance sports commentary provider. It's simple, but effective; once I've finished installing your system, we simply sit down in front of the telly, open up a few ales, turn the volume down, and I let you know what's happening on the field, all from the comfort of your own front room! Tremendous.

The security game

Apparently the military is quite big on using simulations developed by video games manufacturers to help train their troops and prepare them for various battle and killing-type scenarios.

I reckon it wouldn’t be a bad idea to use this kind of technology for training the younger generation of installers. In fact, it’d probably serve as a useful recruiting tool if we told these guys that playing computer games would actually be a part of their jobs.

But if you consider it carefully, you’d have to make certain adaptations to standard video-gaming fare. For instance, I’m led to believe that in most computer games the player will take on the part of the criminal, breaking into peoples’ homes and stealing things, daubing graffiti, performing bodily functions, etc.

Clearly this is unacceptable. It’s the type of behaviour we are trying to eradicate in the installation world. Young installers, or potential installers, don’t need any encouraging in this regard.

So I guess the game would have to involve setting up a security system, and then waiting patiently for some computer-generated character to arrive and attempt some wrongdoing. That’s not so bad, is it? I’m sure it would be an enormous and successful smash hit video entertainment.