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All this talk of installers needing to train up for IP reminds me of the most amazing dream I had the other day.

I had a job not too far from home, so I took the opportunity to pop out to the van for a brief kip before I headed off. I must have been thinking about the work in hand, because before I knew it, I was transported off to a sleepy wonderland that was just like the world we inhabit, only better. In my dream, I'd driven the van round to do a little routine check on the system for the crotchety old bugger who lives there. He's always calling, asking me to check this or that, but he does pay every time, so it's not bad work.

Anyway, my dream has me parked the van down the street from the crusty old fella's house, and I'm walking up to his front door, when I notice movement in the window on his second floor. There's a silhouette behind a lace curtain. And what a silhouette! There's long hair, and curves present and correct – and the movement! Well, well, well, I thought. That sly old dog has some paid company. I strode to the door, eager to get a glimpse of his visitor.

But when he answered, the situation improved.

"I'm glad you've come, Mr Carte," he said. "You see, the situation is a little different this time. I've got a new lodger staying with me, and she claims to be in need of a little of your security expertise."

"Well, I can certainly help there," I replied. "What's the young lady's name?"

"It's Candy-Ann Goodtime," he said. (I realise this sounds like a made-up name, but I have no control over what happens in my dreams.) She'd like you to go up and see her in her room. Says she's too afraid to go out."

"I'm on it," I said. I dashed up the stairs to Ms Goodtime's bedroom as fast as my dreamlegs could carry me. I knocked on the door and entered.

And there she was, the most amazing creature I had ever seen in my life. I asked what I could do for her. She explained that she felt quite scared being in her room by herself, and wondered if I could hook up some kind of camera connection so that I could monitor her from my house and make sure she was okay, at any time of the day or night. I explained that the most cost effective way to do this would be to utilise an IP set-up so that I could view her on a password protected site on a browser on my PC. She said that sounded ideal. unfortunately, though, I had to explain that I had insufficient experience in IP-type installations to carry it out. I made my apologies and left. Soon afterwards, I woke up. I drove to the old guy's house as quickly as possible. But when I got there, the guy wasn't in. Shame.

Celver batsrads

The phaomnneil pweor of the hmuan mind … Accodrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh?

One law for the rich …

So much for the classless society. In my opinion it's still rife. Our children, for instance go to a comprehensive school but I have recently seen a document that proves it’s still a case of us and them. Here are the secret proposals for a new Department of Education Revised Maths Exam paper …

Maths Test for Comprehensives
±·²¹³¾±ð…â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦..
Nick name ……………………..
Gang name …………………….

1. Dylan has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells 8 balls to Matt for £300 and 90 grams to Connor for £90 quid what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

2. Damian pimps 3 girls. If the price is £40 a session how many jobs per day must each perform to support his £500 a day coke habit?

3. Taylor wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for £7,000 to make a 20 per cent profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Jason got six years for murder. He also got £350,000 for the hit. If his common law wife spends £33,000 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with eight fluid ounce cans?

6. Liam steals Jordan's skateboard. As Liam skates away at 35mph, Jordan loads his brother’s Armalite. If it takes Jordan 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liam have travelled when he gets whacked?

Maths Test for Private Schools
Name …. ....(please continue on separate sheet)
³§³¦³ó´Ç´Ç±ô…â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦â¶Ä¦....................................
Mummy/Daddy's company ………..................

1. Harry smashes up his old man's car causing x amount of damage and killing three people. The old man asks the Chief Constable to intervene then forges his insurance to receive a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance for the three dead people. What car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return trip to Fiji and Fiona doesn't notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Verity throws up four times a day for a week so she can fit into a size 8 designer number. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10. How much does liposuction cost?

4. Giles is unsure of his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women and on the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to a vacuum cleaner every third week. Will he stand for Parliament?